Do you try to control every detail of your life? Do you feel compelled to micro-manage? Do you over-achieve? Do you have your hands in every facet? Do you try to manipulate people and situations to get the outcome you want? Do you try to make things happen on your own time? Are you an over-planner or over-protective?
One thing that comes up time and time again in the work I do with people is the issue of control. Typically, the need to tighten the reigns comes from a reaction to the fear of losing control. For many, it stems from having experienced a traumatic life event(s).
Prior feelings of helplessness and vulnerability leave many to crave control in disproportionate ways. You don’t want to relive the pain, so you make every effort to make certain history doesn’t repeat itself.
Why do we love control? For many people, control equals security. If I’m in the driver’s seat, nothing can go wrong. I’ve got this. For other people, control equals certainty. I want to know what will happen, so I’ll be prepared. I’m ready in the event of worse case scenario.
However, the irony is, we are never in control. Security and certainty through controlling behaviors doesn’t exist. Trying to control what is out of our control creates increased shame, anxiety, stress, pressure and depression.
So what do we do? The happiest and most successful people adapt.
Addressing control issues in therapy involves resolving the source of the need for control. The client and therapist work together to address the underlying fears and develop coping strategies.
Determine where you are powerless and where you need to surrender. What is out of your control? Where can you allow people make their own choices and suffer their own consequences?
Next, practice not interfering. Commit wholeheartedly to staying out of your own way and learn to enjoy your life in the midst of not knowing how it ends up.
The most difficult part, and the one that makes it so effective, is when you are willing to accept anything that happens. When you stop trying to bargain with the universe, you become free. If the desire to control is a central issue in unhappiness, then accepting a lack of control is the solution.
