1. Do I have clearly defined boundaries?
The biggest way to tell if you are being treated like a doormat is to identify whether or not the people in your life recognize or respect your boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that we create in relationships that both keep us happy and prevent us from being taken advantage of by others. They are rules for behaviors that we do and do not deem acceptable.
Our response to someone’s behavior teaches that person what is and isn’t acceptable, so if you roll over and take whatever they give, the message is that it’s okay for them to continue to do that. And people will always do what works for them until they have evidence that it doesn’t work, or that there’s a better way. By reinforcing our own boundaries and not crossing other people’s, we are able to have happier and more conflict-free relationships.
2. Am I in a reciprocal relationship of give and take?
Relationships exist successfully with the balance of give and take. If you find that you are always expected to give and you get very little, if anything, in return, this is a glaring example of being treated like a doormat. You should never keep an emotional or physical scorecard in a relationship. However, if you are constantly drained by your relationships rather than renewed, it is time for a re-examination and renegotiation.
3. Do I feel respected?
The lack of boundaries and the lack of reciprocity have a root cause of lack of respect. If you’re used to people walking all over you, it’s likely that you’re not asserting yourself. Someone who has healthy self-respect would never allow himself or herself to be treated like a doormat.
Ask yourself, do you feel worthy of self-respect and do you feel good enough to fit in? Bartering your self-respect for your friendships is absolutely unnecessary. There are a bunch of ways to be disrespected, but only two ways to make it stop. You can either speak up while demanding respect by requiring that they stop, or you can leave the relationship. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with respect.
If you answered “No” to any or all of these questions, you could definitely use some help getting back on track.
In my years as a therapist I have found the root of all struggles to be fear. Relationships become unhealthy when we act from a place of fear, rather than love. More often than not, we aren’t even aware of the fears that have been driving our choices, blocking us from doing what’s best for ourselves, and damaging our relationships.
One of the most essential components to creating a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships is to become an expert at setting boundaries.
Whether learning to say no to those who tend to use you, working with them to re-adjust the balance of giving and getting, or ditching the relationship altogether, setting boundaries with others that allow you to choose when you give to people, YOU ARE WORTH IT. Standing up for yourself is always worth it. Awareness it the first step in creating change.
Now is the time to make some decisions and move forward. You may want to get professional support and clarity on your thoughts and on how the process of enhancing your relationships actually works. If this is you, send me a message and tell me what’s going on and I explain about your options and see if we can work together.
Carrie
Great article and especially exposing the cause of a lesser self worth & respect- that being fear. Citing a few exercises that would demonstrate “how to” respectfully & successfully set boundaries with others would go a long way towards diminishing the fear you’re identifying.
Thanks Wink. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind =)