A diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder demands attention. Spouses, family and friends often have to cope with their loved one’s serious mood and behavioral problems. These mood swings and behaviors can have lasting consequences. It is possible that over time, your marriage or relationship could become all about Bipolar.
For someone with mental illness, the support of family members and loved ones is a crucial component in their recovery. But most spouses, partners and families are ill equipped to deal with the diagnosis. Trial and error is a common way for people to navigate through this process.
Finding the best way to deal with a Bipolar spouse can be exhausting, painful, frustrating, worrisome and angering. It is always challenging. If you have little prior knowledge of mental illness, it can be a lot like navigating your way through a maze while blindfolded.
Most caregivers climb a steep learning curve. Picking up the slack is common. Assuming increased responsibilities and obligations is often necessary. It is not unusual to become a medical aficionado, an advocate, a legal expert and a financial authority, all while trying to balance your job, the house, parenting, finances, family and other relationships and responsibilities. How do you find the time for yourself?
Many who care for a loved one with mental illness either forget or neglect their own needs and self care. Stigma and lack of awareness about Bipolar contribute to an overall silence of the issues at hand. People are ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. Therefore, many people try to handle it all on their own.
It is imperative to understand that stress is a normal, sometimes difficult, part of loving someone with mental illness. However, it is manageable.
Stress can manifest itself in both physical and emotional ways. Find an outlet to relieve it. You may even need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. You might have to remind yourself that it is okay, beneficial and necessary to put yourself first.
So where do you start? 10 Important reminders:
1. Supporting your loved one may involve some life adjustments, but make sure you don’t lose sight of your own goals, dreams, values and priorities. Don’t give up friendships, plans, or activities that bring you joy.
2. Do not work harder than your loved one. It is their job to do what they can to get well. You cannot MAKE them well. Some people want to change and some people don’t. You cannot change people. They have to WANT to change. This might mean you have some decisions to make.
3. You are not alone. Do not try to do this entirely by yourself. A strong network of friends, family, and service providers can help you keep the important work you are doing as a caregiver from becoming overwhelming. Make sure you are asking for help, whenever you need it.
4. Attend a support group. Dealing with a loved one’s mental illness can be painful and isolating. Group members share common experience and provide each other with help, i.e., information, resources, and emotional support. Research shows these resources can significantly improve a family’s ability to cope with an ill relative’s mental disorder.
5. Keep healthy boundaries. Boundaries are hard to maintain when you love someone with a mental illness, but it is crucial. Be realistic about the amount of care you’re able to provide without feeling overwhelmed and resentful. Set limits on what you’re willing and able to do, and adhere to it. Letting Bipolar Disorder take over your life isn’t healthy for you or your loved one.
6. Manage stress. Stress takes a toll on the body and mind, so find ways to keep it in check. Make sure you’re eating right and getting enough sleep and exercise. You can also keep stress under control by practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation. Take time out for yourself and do activities that you enjoy and bring you pleasure. Keep your connections to friends. Take a trip. Stop thinking these things are self-indulgent.
7. Avoid falling into the role of the ‘fixer’ or the ‘savior’. No matter how much you love someone, you cannot fix nor save him or her. Any relationship based on one person trying to fix or save the other is doomed to fail. Refocus and give yourself a significant amount of time to work on you. Allow yourself to be selfish with your time and attention.
8. Have realistic expectations. The recovery process is not a straight line nor does it happen quickly. Recovery involves developing hope, a secure foundation and sense of who you are, supportive relationships, empowerment, coping skills, and meaning. There is no magic pill or fairy-tale treatment. Management of Bipolar symptoms and recovery is about putting in the work.
9. Limit your helping by saying No. Keep yourself well and pace yourself. Over-extending yourself will only cause resentment and further problems in the long run. Ask for help. Schedule time for yourself and regard it as sacred. Set limits. Pause and think before you commit to anything.
10. Find a therapist for yourself. Caregivers often get depressed themselves and could use a professional’s eyes and ears to help them gain perspective again. Sometimes it’s possible you just need someone outside the family to freely discuss your frustrations and hurt without the fear of upsetting your loved one.
A therapist offers clarity, objectivity, solutions not previously seen, and a place to safely deal with the emotions rising from such difficult circumstances. The healthier you are, the better equipped you become to handle demanding situations and to care for your loved one.
It’s easy to neglect your own needs when you’re supporting someone else. But if you don’t learn to care for yourself, you run the risk of burnout and increased resentment.
To cope with the stress of caring for someone with Bipolar Disorder it is important to realize that without an active awareness of your role in this process, you are more than likely putting yourself at risk for exhaustion, poor health and social isolation.
When is the last time you acknowledged how YOU feel and not how your Bipolar partner feels about it?
Carrie
