Do you make desperate attempts to avoid saying something that needs to be said? Do you have trouble telling people how you feel? Do you bite your tongue because you’re afraid of conflict or of your own anger? Are you worried about what will come out of your mouth if you do say something? Are you fearful you won’t be able to stop once you start? Have you been taught that your feelings don’t matter?
There is an endless list for why we chose to conceal emotional pain. Whatever the rationale, however, not sharing feelings is almost always based in fear. A fear of looking weak. A fear of being judged. A fear of hurting peoples’ feelings. A fear of being misunderstood. Fear of losing control. A fear of being rejected. A fear of being vulnerable. A fear of being ostracized.
Hiding your feelings for prolonged periods of time can lead to anxiety, depression, discontent and resentment. Most of us are concerned that expressing our hurt feelings might lead others to react negatively. However, if we don’t let others know that what they’ve said or done has hurt us, they’re likely to continue doing exactly what they have been.
Learning how to express your feelings in appropriate ways helps to change behaviors. Struggling to express how you feel is a very common experience. You are not alone.
You may need to see someone who is trained to talk about feelings and help you express your own. You might need guidance from a professional to not only express your emotions, but also get to the root of why you have trouble expressing your emotions appropriately. Therapy can help you improve insight and foster healthy communication.
Carrie
Hi Carrie, I have a question/dilemma. I have a dear friend (prob one of my best friends tbh) and we were talking once and he offered to do something for me, I any remember what now, oh right, pick something up and bring it to me bc he was taking the last of mine. And at the end of this convo, he said “I am a man of my word”. Needless to say, I ended up having to take a cab to a certain store not near by and I’m highly agoraphobic so leaving the house is a big deal for me, and going to get this tea that I drink every day and is impossible to find, and then taking a cab back, which all total cost me almost $50. Just in cabs. I was furious at the time and kept replaying that ” I’m a man of my word ” sentence over and over and I probably would have bitten his head off except I ended up being really grateful that it had forced me out into the world and the sunshine and that I was able to even do it on my own. And I told him as much. So I let it go. At any rate, since then, there have been at least 3 major upsets in my life (I lost my fiancé 2 years ago and then more bad stuff happened and lss, I suffer from MDD, BPD, PTSD, PMDD, ADD & insomnia and I may have forgotten a few. GAD, SAD, Agoraphobia. I think that’s it) and basically my whole life has fallen apart. And every time it took another step in the wrong direction, he’d jump in and OFFER to help! I never once asked! And these were major things. Like cosigning for a new apt., helping me move, and finally, staying with him and renting a room until I get back on my feet. Which are all SO kind, and no one else was bending over backwards to help me so I was doubly appreciative and grateful. The only thing is, he rarely comes thru and when he does it’s always when and if it’s convenient for him which is rarely when it works for me so I end up doing it on my own. I should mention too that I’ve been helping him out throughout all this as he’s going thru a rough time financially and I’ve always lent him money, which he always pays back on payday, but it’s not totally one sided is my point. And I know now just to not rely on him for these “offers of assistance” anymore as they just end up with us getting into a snit with each other plus now I’m staying with him and I can’t have any emotional discord as I’m not strong enough to deal with it plus it’s unnecessary. But I feel like everything is conditional with him and it’s getting harder to not say anything. Plus now he has this attitude like he swooped in and saved the day and he makes offhanded comments I don’t think he realizes he makes, that make me feel like bc he’s letting me stay here I have no right to say anything bc if I wasn’t, I’d be out on the streets (and I’m paying half the rent of my old place to do so, plus a share of the bills, and it’s for one room really which is half his recording studio so it’s not like I even have a true guest room . Which I also have to vacate and go to a hotel on the wkends his new gf comes into town – that wud be one of those conditions I mentioned as well as another expense). So I guess my question is, where do I draw the line? The one time I did bring this up to him it became I pretty big fight, although to be fair, he said something that made me feel bad and I threw it in his face then. Which was obviously not the time and the place. He was giving me the old “tough love” routine which I don’t do well with. Never have. It shuts me down even more. And it makes me defensive and I can be really cruel when I feel backed into a corner. So I know I shouldn’t do that again, I shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but I wanted him to understand that when you promise someone something they tend to move forward with that as part of the plan! So when u back out at the last minute, there’s no plan B in place and no time to come up with one which puts a person at a real disadvantage. I just don’t want to spend the next few months walking on eggshells nor do I want him to NOT see where HE went wrong, and simply so he’ll be aware of this behaviour and stop doing it. But again, I don’t feel like I have the right to say anything now. I’ve only been here a couple days so far and he’s not been particularly helpful altho not rude either, but I feel like I’ve lost my friend and gained a boss. And I’m older! And I have always been independent and worked and financially secure until I had to go on Ltd after Scott died so this is I’m sure, making me even more insecure and sensitive than normal. Do I just let it go? And next time he offers to do something tell him not to do that? There’s no good way to tell someone who’s doing you a favor that they’re not technically, doing you ANY favor and in fact often make it MORE complicated! Ugh. Carrie, I’m stuck and I’m miserable and it makes me sad and the whole point to this was we could help each other get thru our tough times and I feel like this may end up in an explosion and with me on the street. What do I do?!
Hi Cat,
Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t have an easy answer. You are not my client so it is difficult for me to give you advice without knowing the whole story. I would say that you deserve better than what you are getting. I would ask yourself why you are tolerating all this. I wish you the strength to realize you’re worth.