Emotional Unavailability.

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you are most likely aware of the pain and hurt it can cause. Not being able to get close to the one you love can cause tremendous discomfort, upset and trauma.

Many of us start to question what the other person is doing or not doing in an attempt to remedy the situation. We struggle to get them to look at their behavior and change it. In actuality, we need to look at what WE are doing by staying with someone who isn’t willing to change or who is unwilling to invest emotionally in the relationship. We are the ones who need to change.

All too often the signs are all there, but people choose to ignore them, turning a blind-eye and thinking that the person can change or that they can be easily swayed. We simply fall for people who aren’t ready or capable of a relationship.

Learning to recognize the red flags early is part of leading a balanced and healthy love life.

Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Person:

• Having to work for their attention.
• Emotionally distant, shut down or cannot deal with conflict.
• Make a lot of empty promises. Their behavior and words don’t match.
• They are narcissistic only caring about their needs.
• They are non-committal and hard to pin down.
• They throw you emotional crumbs of the potential or possibilities, only to withdraw from you.
• You feel insecure, lonely or confused after spending time with them.
• You get the sense you are being used.
• They are overly sensitive and don’t take responsibility for anything.
• Have a history of long-distance relationships or a habit of falling in love with people they have known for only short periods of time.
• They appear insensitive to the needs of others or have highly unrealistic expectations.
• Not talking or refusing to engage in important topics.
• Gas lighting. Telling you that you are “crazy” “ridiculous”, “overreacting” “nagging” when you want to discuss emotional topics.
• Making unilateral decisions.
• History of ending relationships when intimacy develops.
• Unreliable and not there physically or emotionally when you need them.
• They look for perfection and then find flaws to end the relationship.
• They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
• They are alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.
• They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.

Most of us are not purposely drawn to these kinds of people. Mixed messages combined with our particular insecurities, can lure us in. The people you’re attracted to can give you insight into where you really are as opposed to where you think you are or where you want to be.

If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her is counterproductive. You are the only one you have control over. No one else is responsible for your self-esteem, happiness or worth and if any of these things are low, all these relationships will do is validate the irrational things we’ve been feeding ourselves so we continue to believe we have no value and are not capable of receiving love. Therapy can help improve your relationships.

Maybe it’s time we talked.

Carrie