You once knew each other so well. You chose this person to trust with the most intimate details of your life. This was the person who knew your deepest fears, your greatest desires, your most embarrassing shames, your most unflattering vulnerabilities your biggest successes and your most humiliating failures.
It’s interesting to think that someone who was once such a valuable part of your everyday life is now a total stranger. A foreigner. Not friends. Not enemies. You are truly strangers with some shared memories.
So, how does it reach the point that the ties are cut so cruelly and savagely that you start acting like it no longer happened? When the cuts are severed so deeply that there is nothing left to hold onto? When the broken connection is so irreparable that you no longer matter?.
It seems like a simple concept. If you love(d) someone so deeply you should be able to keep in contact with him or her. “We can still be friends,” or so the story goes. What’s wrong with meeting up for coffee? Is there a problem with sending a text when something big happens in your life? Would it be so bad to give him or her a Happy Birthday card? Is it appropriate to still be concerned about them? To ask about the big promotion?
What a lovely thought…to think that we could remain friends and be cordial to one another. Unfortunately, for most people, it’s nearly impossible to end an intimate relationship and move on to a new, healthy “friendship” phase. We bring our old hang-ups. We bring our same old poor communication skills. And now we also bring hurt, anger and resentment.
Someone stops trying. Tempers flare. You feel loneliness in their company. Someone meets someone new. The past is rehashed. You talk less. You drift more. Feelings are hurt. The conversations are awkward. Guilt governs. People change. Feelings fade. Lovers drift. Friendships end. And in order to protect our feelings and our ego, we forget.
If you continue to suffer because of a relationship that has ended, or repeatedly “ended”, therapy will help you. Therapy is about finding the best path for you as an individual moving forward. The relationship, most likely, defined you. It is about finding yourself again, while grieving the loss.
You may need to completely severe ties out of respect for yourself. Often, it is just too painful to keep this person in your life in any capacity. Sometimes, we have no choice but to keep this person in our lives because of children, business ties, and so forth. If this person is to stay in your life new boundaries and guidelines need to be established.
The bottom line is the relationship can only be as healthy as the two people involved. You only have control over you.
Carrie
Ironically, this JUST happened to me…I didn’t cut the ties…She did over a guy who she feels is not worthy of me…She quit talking to me, and has since deleted me from Twitter and Facebook…We’ve been best friends for over 30+ years
I think it’s harder when people just cut you off with no explanation. Thats what happened to me with two supposed good friends. I tried to reach to to talk, and never get any reaponse. I’ll never get closure.
Sometimes we don’t get closure. All we can have is acceptance. Remember that their actions don’t define you…
I’ve been having these friends issues a big part of my life. At the beginning I wanted to be the nicest person, always there, phoning, worrying about meeting and so on. But sometimes there were times that I realised they didn’t care about me at all. With time I could see that people and especially friends they’re there just for self-interest and that hurts. So, after some times getting mad because most of them prefer a boyfriend than its best friend, I decided not to care about them and not to have expectations of nobody and I live better. Though the problem I just had is ironically the other way round. One friend of mine(whom I didn’t like a lot) got mad because me and other girl are with boyfriends in one pub and wanted us to stop meeting them and to go to the pubs she wanted. Probably you think this is a stupid teen fight, but we didn’t like her manners and left her outside alone. I’m aware it’s cruel, but what if she doesn’t realise she’s also wrong? In my opinion a friend shouldn’t oblige its friends to do whatever she/he wants. What do you think? Awesome post!!
Yes, that is really difficult. I know it hurts, but I think we have to look at whether or not those are the kinds of friends that we want to surround ourselves with. I would much rather have a few quality friends than a whole bunch of people in my life who don’t have my back.