Learn the Secret to Happy Arguing.

How you argue, and more importantly, how you choose to end an argument, determine the long-term success or failure of your relationships.

Being upset, distressed, troubled, or concerned does not give you license to be childish, abusive or condescending. It is mandatory in ANY fight that you control yourself. You are entitled to disagree. However, disagree in reasonable, caring and constructive ways.

Here’s how:

1. Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally. Fighting in front of them will give them a lot of information about how relationships should look. They’re watching and they’re smarter than you think. Figure out how to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

Also, discussing your private conflicts with family and friends may seem like a good way to get a fresh perspective on your issues, but drawing in third parties can often cause even more problems. When the dust settles, they aren’t as forgiving.

As uncomfortable as it is, the best way to avoid this situation is to deal with issues between you and your partner as they occur. If the problem persists, reach out to a therapist.

2. Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old grudges or the past when they don’t belong in an argument. Put boundaries down around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all. What is the issue today? What are you attempting to resolve today? Given the past, what can we do today

3. Keep things focused on the real issues, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will end up even more frustrated. The dishes in the sink aren’t really about the dishes in the sink. It’s about feeling unimportant, disrespected, taken advantage of, unheard, misunderstood and so on. Address those issues instead.

4. Avoid a character assassination. Concentrate on the issue, rather than attacking your partner personally. This is typically done to tarnish a person’s reputation. It often involves exaggerations, misleading half-truths, or manipulation of facts to present an untrue picture of the targeted person. It’s not okay.

5. Stay on task. Know what you want going into the discussion. If you don’t have a goal in mind, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it. Devise a plan of action to avoid future issues.

6. Pick and choose your battles. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. It’s always good to speak up about things and share your opinion about things, but also know when it’s time to let it be. Is it more important to win an argument or to build the bridge? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Save your energy and focus on important issues.

7. Never partake in the silent treatment. The silent treatment is abusive. The purpose of the silent treatment is to “prove” that your partner has done something you perceive as wrong and deserve punishment. They deserve to have your “love” taken away.

However, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for approval-dependent people, it is a powerful form of control. The silent treatment is immature. You can’t express your feelings, so you just shut down. It leaves people feeling hopeless about the relationship.

8. End your argument effectively. How an argument ends is crucial. Take a step back from the argument and ask the other person to let you summarize their position to make sure you understand it correctly. You can say something like, “Let me make sure I understand you,” or “I want to make sure I’m hearing your point of view correctly.” Then paraphrase what you heard and then validate their feelings. “I can see how you were worried about me when I didn’t call you to tell you I was going to be late.”

Resolving arguments take practice. You will find that using these tools are worth the effort. Although it is much more difficult at first, you will find that it is much more effective than screaming, avoiding, withdrawing or name-calling. Imagine resolving things in a manner that doesn’t hurt your relationship.

Take the next step.

Carrie

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