An apology between two people who are close typically includes the words, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” or “I am sorry you feel that way.” These responses are really unacceptable.
Here’s why: These responses are defensive strategies and a sure sign you are not really sorry at all. It gets you off the hook. It’s protocol. The words do not acknowledge or respect how the event in question felt to the other person; instead they focus on how the event was for YOU.
The intent is not the issue (“I didn’t MEAN to hurt you”). The issue is that your actions DID do something to embarrass, demean, shame, humiliate, hurt, manipulate, etc., the other person. In all likelihood, you didn’t INTEND to hurt the other person — however, in truth, you DID.
The true apology then is to say, “I apologize for…” The apology needs to address what you DID; whether it is having embarrassed him, you were insensitive to him, selfish, disrespectful, etc.; an apology needs to acknowledge the CAUSE of the problem.
Carrie
