Do you find yourself spending all of your time helping others? Are you the first one your friends turn to in times of crisis? Does your family expect things from you without asking? Do people seem to manipulate you financially? Do you sacrifice your own well being for the sake of others?
There is nothing wrong with helping. There is nothing wrong with deriving benefits from helping others. But sometimes helping ends up hurting instead. Sacrificing yourself in order to help others is a guaranteed way to leave you exhausted, alone and resentful.
Sacrificing to help causes you to think that you have only one of two choices…1. Be selfish and think of yourself or 2. Be “giving” and think of others.
Do you…
· let others determine your actions and make decisions for you?
· need to overachieve?
· try to earn a sense of worth by your actions, yet never quite feel it inside?
· find yourself attracted to others in pain?
· have a difficult time establishing close peer relationships?
· isolate yourself?
Two dangerous beliefs may underlie your need to help.
1. Feeling you must rescue others in the belief that no one else will do it, which leaves you feeling responsible for everything turning out right and keeping everyone happy.
2. Feeling “Everyone else’s needs take a priority over mine.” This thought leads to feeling indispensible, yet worthless and feeling needed, yet neglected.
Helping increases your susceptibility to becoming overextended and overinvested in the lives of others. Caring for others may have transformed into a lifestyle that leaves you exhausted, deprived and alone. You may be so tuned in to the pain and problems of others that you deny your own.
If this hits home, then your first reaction is likely to be that you will deal with your own issues by yourself. Of course you will. This is your pattern. You feel guilty for just about everything and your perfectionism demands you do it yourself.
But part of letting go of this trap is connecting with others on equal footing. Therapy can provide you the needed support you deserve. Once you know what you are getting from the excessive helping behavior, you can uncover the real issue. You can learn to meet your own needs in a way that is less destructive to you and others.
Carrie
