Most relationships can tolerate a reasonable amount of stress. It is unrealistic to think that everyone can behave perfectly 100% of the time. Nor should that be the goal of your relationships.
However, it is important to differentiate between what things simply annoy you and are trivial in the relationship, and which behaviors and conditions are absolutely unacceptable.
Deal breakers are behaviors and circumstances that a person is unwilling to or unable to tolerate in a relationship. Since “tolerance” is individual and subjective, everyone has different opinions of what is acceptable. Deal breakers are different for everyone.
Every person should have a list of deal breakers. Period. A clear sense of what’s important to you. An awareness of what you value in a relationship. An internal conception of what is good, beneficial, important, useful, loving, beautiful, desirable, and constructive.
What you personally value is essential to who you are and who you want to be. Your values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work. If done right, your personal values help you to determine your priorities and they will tell you if your life is turning out the way you want it to.
When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life is typically good. You are satisfied and content. But when these don’t match up with your personal values, this is when things feel very wrong to you. This can be a genuine source of unhappiness.
Without deal breakers, you could find yourself treated any which way. Without personal values, we deny, rationalize and minimize behaviors and as a result, we overlook a lot of things. We miss or ignore the red flags. We disregard the warning signs and most importantly, we miss the opportunity to correct problem early on.
Deal breakers can be signs of incompatibility. The longer an unacceptable condition is allowed to continue, without the ability to correct it, stop it or walk away from it, the more likely it is to become toxic. Sometimes the best way we can express our love is by refusing to tolerate something in a partner that is causing harm or doing damage to them, to ourselves, or to others.
Therapy can assist you in becoming more aware of these important factors in your life. It can teach you how to find your backbone. Your values and deal breakers can be used as a guide to make the best choice in any situation. Some of life’s decisions are really about determining what you value most. Values and deal breakers are a strong guiding force to point you in the right direction.
Tell me your story.
Carrie
