Do you come up with solutions to problems for people? Do you preoccupy yourself with others’ emotions that you don’t attend to your own needs? Do you find yourself in relationships where you are the one managing the relationship? Do you accept people’s burdens without recognizing that you are the sole bearer of the weight? Do you deny your own feelings because you are over-concerned with the feelings of others?
Most of the time, people who answer yes to these questions are using the action of helping as a secondary gain. Excessive helping keeps you busy and distracted. As a result, you temporarily forget about the emptiness inside yourself. Burying yourself in other’s problems is an easy way to avoid your own issues.
Other secondary gains include the assumption that your actions can make someone else happy or you might think that they will accept you if you do things you think they approve of. You may believe that they will appreciate you. You may believe that their acceptance will make you happy or maybe you think you can control someone else’s thoughts and feelings. None of these assumptions are true. If we are helping under these assumptions, we are helping for the wrong reasons.
Helping gives us a sense of purpose, but excessive helping leads to resentment, chronic fatigue, self-neglect and depression.
Therapy asks, “what’s your why?” If you don’t understand why you’re helping, it’s hard to feel good about it. If you are doing something for someone out of a sense of obligation, you are helping for the wrong reason. You can’t make other people happy and other people can’t make you happy. A person has to decide to be happy regardless of their circumstances or the actions of others.
Start giving everyone the freedom to resolve his or her own problems. And as for you? You resolve your own. Therapy can help you understand that your feelings and problems are just as important as everyone else’s and how to decide who owns the problem.
Change your actions to change the outcome. Don’t wait for others to realize what they’re doing and change their ways. Don’t wait to be appreciated. Don’t wait to be considered thoughtful. That will never happen. Learn how to change your motive and expectations and learn where to draw the line.
Carrie
Bingo ! Today was the day for this realization to come forth. I spent most of the morning writing up “self-care” notes & cut a few people that are always asking for favours off my list. Felt very light !!
Happy to hear your making choices for your own well being =)